It had been a long time. My daily chant had been "I'm cool. It's cool. I'm alright! I can handle it."
I was in love but it she didn't love me the same way. I moved on. I dated. We hung out. We spent time together watching movies, talking about everything in life except us as a couple. She asked me advice sometimes on her current relationship. The Bastard that never seemed to do anything but stymie my efforts for her hand. I would let her know I would try to give her the best unbiased advice but could not promise that it would always be. She'd smile. Tell me that I was a good friend.
Months would go by with the same pattern. Soon I didn't even chant my mantra. I didn't need to. Then one day all my feelings came out. The real truth came out. I was alone when I faced the truth. I was still madly, passionately in love with her. I could go back to hiding it but even though I knew it would change nothing I let her know what I felt. She was shocked, astonished. I think it was a boost to her ego too. After all A Raj once built the Taj Mahal to a Beloved Wife to rest eternally in. I had created my own monument to her that she could see, hear, touch. I was shocked. Her Boyfriend was shocked and weary of me and my feelings for his Woman.
So much for the friend thing.
Those pesky feelings come out. When I am on the mat or in meditation I like to imagine our feelings burning off like a flashback. In the 70's people who used certain drugs would still worry about flashbacks long after they had cease to use the drugs. The drugs would get stored in your system. You fat cells for instance, then when they get burned off you'd be high or seeing dragons or some shit.
That scared that heck out of me! I could imagine being 40 and having a flashback from a drug I took when I was 20. So I never indulged. Scared straight fo'eva!
Yoga peels back the layers.
I imagine we are like onions or apples. All these lies, delusions and such are the coating. All this scar tissue from or war of living. It almost makes me get off the mat. I don't want to close my eyes and go into my head. It's dark!
It's scary in there. I know there are monsters in there and I'm in the dark alone. Yoga is the union of your mind, body and spirit. I believe that God is the light that is there for me in those dark and scary places. I believe that I AM not alone but when one gets on the mat and goes into their meditation seriously you gotta know that you are signing on for an adventure. You gotta be willing to go where ever the ride takes you. That's scary. It's also the only way we heal, we get rid of the festering, infected sores that cover our psyches. It's the only way we get to be healed and whole.
It ain't easy. Take a deep breath. Awww go ahead a take a few deep breaths. Do it! It will be worth it.
Om Shanti Baby!